I had a revelation this morning regarding my internal predator. It goes way back to when I was about 26, a bit naive, on my own without guidance from an older sister wise woman type. It was a time in my life where I had to make a career decision. What was I to do with my life? Who did I want to be? I had a dream one night where I was asked, "Do you want to be a starving artist or get a regular job and earn a living?" (Yes, I still remember that dream from so long ago) Well, I certainly didn't want to starve. I had to make a choice between art school and secretarial school. I listened to the conservative voice, the parental voice, the predators voice, that told me to take the road that was more acceptable. I became a secretary. I didn't starve.
However, I have inhabited all those years since, with a gnawing hollowish sense of incompletion. I fed my creativity by painting and drawing, taking art classes, exhibiting occasionally, completing my college degree in art. But I never fully embraced my artistic soul self completely. Jumping off the cliff and making a living as an artist was too scary, I needed the money I made as a secretary, and my predator self kept telling me that I was not good enough, not artistically gifted enough to make a living as an artist. I wonder what would have happened if I had gone to art school... the ol' woulda coulda shoulda dance.
I look back on days gone by and see that I have nurtured my creative soul self. The predators voice is not so loud anymore, and I am wise enough now to recognize that soft dark whisper that wishes to entrap me in its fearful talons. My creative soul self is such an integral part of who I am, I would feel lost without me...
I work continuously on dismantling my internal predator, that is part of my artistic process. Everyday is a choice to take a road less traveled. The road that will nurture your soul self. The road to recover your inner psyche is also a shamanic maneuver. The shaman takes her dream catcher on a healing journey to take back the injured or lost part of the soul. She finds it hidden in the darkness, guarded by the predator. She says, "you do not need this soul part anymore, I will take it back with me and breath light into it, nurture it, and watch it grow." The predator has no choice but to give it back, for it is not the predators to keep.