Sunday, February 28, 2010

Respect and Honor. A re-current theme that drives me forward and I realize is essential to my happiness. Too many times I find that respect is hard to come by in the American world, where the haves and have nots spar constantly. I long for, dream of a world in which everyone is equal and treated with honor and respect for their knowledge, talent, education...and so on. It is a utopian world, perhaps a bit socialistic, rendolent of the famous song written by John Lennon, "Imagine." It makes me feel sad, depressed, angry that I have to fight for some sort of recognition, and also I realize that to look for that recognition in someone elses eyes, is a task that cannot succeed when dealing with those whose ego disallows them to see anyone as equal to them. I am tired of fighting. I would like very much to retire from a world that feels heavy with fear, death, destruction, hate, inequality. If I had the where-with-all to retire, I would-right now-today. Some would look at this as a pity party, self-victimization; and it is, too smart not to know that. I just wish things were a little different, I wish I didn't have to work so hard for so very little.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Lost in the darkness. I had a dream that someone stole my car. Looked up the dream symbolism and worked out that my troubles, and the worlds, has gotten me so distracted and depressed that I have been thrown off course. My personal way of driving through my life has been taken from me. I have not been working on artwork much at all since last November. Yes, I have done some work, primarily the heart centered Mandalas; and yes, I did get my e-store up and running. So all is not lost, though this cave has become terribly familiar. I have been here before and know that once I digest, assimilate, ponder upon my beingness (is that a word?)-new artwork comes pouring out of me. So, actually I am not too upset with myself. But it is good to be aware, my subconscious is prodding me to get it together. It is winter, a time to hibernate, nest on those things which can be delivered up in the spring sunshine.
I am seeing that beautiful scene in Dr. Zhivago, where the spring sunshine starts to melt the ice and snow encasing the house that Yuri is living in with his family.
You cannot have the light without the darkness, Yin/Yang.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I still feel ill at ease. I leave my outdoor lights on all nite now and don't want to put anything of value out in my yard anymore. I wake at nite to listen for noises. No matter who you are and how you conduct your life, someone or something will try to knock you down. Yes, I am depressed and feel quite dark. Whomever it was that took her has been cursed a couple hundred times. I had a half dozen people tell me their own stories of burglary, break ins, theft of personal property. It is a sad story, the sense of loss, invasion, fear, rape...
I will go on, but will always wonder what happened to her, my beautiful Kwan Yin.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I got ripped off this morning and am not sure how to process this. I work hard to try and be a conscious being, be nice to people, understand that I have my problems too and work constantly on improving myself...I do not understand when someone believes that they are entitled to steal from someone else. My beautiful Kwan Yin statue was stolen right off my front porch. She was placed there to protect, add grace and beauty, as an altar, to bless those who would enter my home. What happened to her? I feel so violated, ill at ease, angry. Why do people steal? I find myself putting a curse on the person(s) who stole from me, I cannot find compassion for such a person, all I feel is...anger. Anger at all the assholes who think they can rip someone off and get away with it. What the f**k, I don't get it, and all it makes me want to do is hide even further-deeper-away from a world that seems to be spinning deeper into a bottomless pit filled with self abuse, hatred, fear...